


All I've ever wanted is for you to be happy

by sugarandspace



Series: 3B fics [14]
Category: Shadowhunters (TV)
Genre: Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, Attempted Break Up, Break Up, Breaking Up & Making Up, Communication, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Fluff, Implied/Referenced Self-Harm, M/M, Post-Episode: s03e17 Heavenly Fire, based on 3x18 promo clips, because they don't really break up, but not really, there should be a tag for
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-04-13
Updated: 2019-04-13
Packaged: 2020-01-12 20:21:53
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,752
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18453953
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/sugarandspace/pseuds/sugarandspace
Summary: In which Alec thinks he's being selfless by following through with Asmodeus' deal and Magnus explains to him why that isn't the case





	All I've ever wanted is for you to be happy

**Author's Note:**

> This wasn't supposed to be this heavy, oh my. But hey, the ending is positive!

“I’m so grateful Alec sent you here to help me,” Maryse says, a bright smile on her face.

“Oh, my pleasure,” Magnus replies happily, his expression turning thoughtful as he continues. “Although I suspect it was more for my benefit than yours.”

“How do you mean?” Maryse asks, genuinely curious.

Magnus has to stop for a moment to figure out what to tell her. He can’t exactly tell her the truth of how his boyfriend seems to be afraid of leaving him alone after what happened last night. They had talked this morning, and Magnus had tried to convince Alec that the reason he was being so emotional last night had been the alcohol, his lowered tolerance for the substance making him act dramatic. It had been obvious that Alec hadn’t bought his lie, but he didn’t want to start a fight, so he had changed the subject an suggested Magnus meets up with Alec’s mother.  

“I’m still adjusting to the life as a mundane,” Magnus settles on - an understatement if he’s ever uttered one. “And Alec knew I could learn from your shining example.”

And Magnus guesses this is better than staying at the Institute where everyone is busy while he himself is unable to help. It is a constant reminder of the world he used to be a part of, but where he isn’t useful anymore.

The atmosphere is light, the conversation between him and Maryse easy and full of smiles. But the weight in Magnus’ chest doesn’t disappear, doesn’t even lessen, and his smiles aren’t what they used to be.

He feels drained, and is secretly relieved when Maryse says that they should probably call it a day.

“Thank you for helping me,” Maryse says. “Alec told me what happened. I’m happy to see you’re healthy again.”

The confusion must be clear on Magnus’ face because Maryse elaborates.

“He came over the other night, told me you had a health scare of some sorts,” she explains.

“Oh that,” Magnus says. “Yes, it’s in the past now.”

“I’m glad,” Maryse says, her expression turning serious. “I don’t know if he’s shown it to you, but it really scared him. He came over and the way he talked about it - it was so clear how much he loves you. I’m really happy you two found each other, and I can’t wait to see you spend the rest of your lives together.”

There’s a glint in Maryse’s eye that Magnus doesn’t understand, but he nods nevertheless. “I know, we talked about it. And I’m happy to have him in my life as well. Your son really is one of a kind.”

“That he is,” Maryse agrees with a fond smile.

* * *

When Magnus gets back to the Institute, something is off.

Alec is already in his room when Magnus opens the door and steps inside. It looks like he’s pacing, but he stops when he notices Magnus entering the room.

“Magnus, hey,” he greets. But his words are hesitant and they aren’t paired with a welcoming kiss. Alec doesn’t make a move to walk closer to Magnus and it makes Magnus freeze in his place as well. He closes the door behind himself before he speaks.

“What’s going on? Has something happened?” The situation is making him anxious. What could be making Alec so nervous? What could possibly have gone wrong now? Magnus is so tired.

“Nothing has happened,” Alec says, motioning to the bed and sitting down on the edge of it. “I just want to talk.”

Magnus’ steps are hesitant as he walks to where Alec is sitting, and he slowly lowers himself to sit down on the unmade bed. He has no idea what Alec wants to talk about, but the way his boyfriend is acting - avoiding Magnus’ eyes, wringing his hands in his lap - it makes Magnus convinced that whatever it is it isn’t good. He’s not sure if he can handle more bad news.

“You’ve been through a lot lately,” Alec starts the conversation, lifting his eyes from his lap and looking up instead, just a bit off from Magnus’ face and over his shoulder. The dread keeps building in Magnus’ stomach.

Magnus just nods, not knowing what else to say.

“And I feel like instead of helping, I’m making things more complicated for you.”

Magnus wants to ask Alec what he means. Because that is not at all true. Magnus might not have been the best at showing it, but the unyielding support he’s received from Alec has meant the world in these past days.

But he is frozen, the words stuck somewhere between his mind and his mouth.

“I was thinking-,” Alec starts, hesitantly looking Magnus in the eyes as he says the words that paralyze Magnus. “That maybe it would be better if we weren’t together.”

Magnus feels like he can’t breathe, and his world turns blurry as the words sink it. Alec wants to break up? Magnus is looking at Alec, trying to see what Alec means. He can’t be serious. Magnus can’t lose him too.

“What-” Magnus goes to talk but the rest of his question gets stuck in his throat. The world can’t be this cruel.

“I mean it would give you space to figure out your situation,” Alec says, his eyes falling to his hands again. Magnus notices he’s wringing them with a ferocity that leaves the skin between his thumb and forefinger an angry red. His voice is quiet, like he’s afraid of it breaking if he speaks louder.

“I don’t want space,” Magnus manages to say, his voice thick as the tears flow over. “I want you.”

“But maybe I’m not what’s best for you right now,” Alec says, standing up from the bed and turning his back to Magnus. He isn’t reaching to comfort Magnus and he isn’t reaching to brush away the tears that keep on falling as Magnus is trying to catch up with the situation. He’s walking away from Magnus.

“You are the only good thing in my life right now,” Magnus says and the words are as devastating as they are honest. Even when he lost his position, his magic, his home - he’s been able to count on having Alec by his side. He’s known that nothing would be able to take that away from him.

Because Alec loves him.

“You don’t understand,” Alec says as he turns to face Magnus. There are tears falling down his face too. Their flow is slow but unstoppable, and Alec makes no move to wipe them away. “It would be good for you.”

“You are right I do not understand,” Magnus says and stands up as well, so that they are standing face to face, barely a foot of space between them. “I love you, and I know that you love me too.”

Because Magnus does know. Has seen it from the way Alec has always treated him, back when he had his magic and especially now after he lost it. The love and care has been obvious and sincere. There’s no way Alec has fallen out of love. Magnus remembers Maryse’s words from earlier, and it only adds to the confusion. Why would Alec want to break up with him when he had been scared of losing him just a few days ago?

Alec closes his eyes and takes a deep breath. When he opens his eyes and speaks, his tone is steadier, the tears pushed back.

“You also love your magic.”

“What does that have to do with anything?” Magnus asks. Unless the universe’s plan is to make him lose everything that he loves, he still doesn’t see any sense in this.

Alec just shakes his head, pursing his mouth shut.

“Answer me Alec!” Magnus shouts, because he’s losing his patience. The devastation is quickly turning to anger because there’s obviously something that Alec is hiding from him.

“I can’t.” Alec says, still stubbornly shaking his head.

Magnus wants to shout, but he knows it will take him nowhere. Instead his words are harsh in their tone that is accusing and full of disappointment.

“I thought I could count on your honesty.”

Magnus sees how the words sink in, how Alec’s composure crumbles and how he’s biting his lip to stop it from trembling. He tries to take deep breaths to control himself but Magnus uses this moment of weakness to chip away more of this hard exterior Alec is trying to maintain.

“What happened to you loving me? What happened to ‘I can’t live without you’? What happened to ‘I won’t lose you’?” Magnus asks, each question meant to remind Alec of all the reasons Magnus doesn’t believe that Alec has fallen out of love. “What happened to not going anywhere? Are you trying to tell me that those were just words? That you didn’t actually mean them?”

“No,” the word is weak but Magnus hears it clear as day.

“Then explain to me,” Magnus commands. “I deserve as much.”

“It’s because of your father!” Alec says, his words bursting out of his mouth before his brain can catch up with them. Magnus sees as Alec realises what he said, his shoulders sinking and his head hanging low in defeat. “Your father offered me a deal.”

“What kind of deal?” Magnus asks, his veins filling with dread. He knows all about the kind of deals his father makes, and the idea of Alec making one is making Magnus more scared than he remembers being in a very long time. He’s no longer angry at Alec, he’s terrified for him. “What did you give him?”

“Nothing,” Alec says, and he lifts his head to look Magnus in the eyes again. The desperation in them is clear, as is the hope for Magnus to understand. “Nothing yet.”

“What kind of deal was it Alexander?” It’s the first time Magnus uses his full name in the conversation, and it sparks a reaction in Alec. Magnus’ tone is no longer attacking either, the fight in him replaced by worry and fear.

“He said he’d give you your magic back if I broke up with you,” Alec admits quietly.

It’s a lot to take in. How was Alec even able to make such a deal? Was his father summoned to earth? And most importantly, why is Alec willing to go through with the deal?

Well, Magnus supposes he shouldn’t be surprised about that. He’s been vocal about how much he misses his magic, going as far as admitting to Alec that maybe it’s worth dying for. It shouldn’t surprise Magnus that Alec would be willing to give away their relationship for Magnus to have his magic back. But Alec never asked him if it was something Magnus was willing to give up.

“Why didn’t you tell me,” Magnus asks, his voice kind as he keeps looking at Alec’s sad face.

“I was afraid your father would know,” Alec explains. “I wasn’t sure if it would be okay for you to know why I broke up with you. We can still try, we can break up and you can get your magic back. Maybe your father doesn’t care that you know.”

“Alexander,” Magnus says, “I don’t want to break up with you.”

“But I would understand,” Alec says, even as he’s swallowing thickly. “You would get your magic back. I know how much it means to you. It is a part of you, and while I know that you love me and that the decision isn’t easy for you, I will still understand when you choose the magic. It’s a vital part of you, it’s something you’ll have for the rest of your life, a life that would once more be immortal. It is a bigger thing compared to the decades you would be able to spend with me.”

“You are right,” Magnus starts and he realises it’s the wrong thing to start with when Alec takes in a shuddering breath and squeezes his eyes tightly shut. Magnus takes his hands in what he hopes to be a comforting grip. “My magic meant a lot to me, and it’s been difficult trying to learn how to live without it. But I love you, and I’m not willing to trade that for anything. Magic and love - they are two different things. I wouldn’t be able to put them in a steelyard and measure which has a heavier weight. Even if you gave me the opportunity to choose, it’s not a choice I’m willing to make.”

“What if I do it for you,” Alec says, his voice sincere. “I meant what I said, all I’ve ever wanted is for you to be happy.”

“Losing you won’t make me happy,” Magnus says, his voice pleading. Because he knows Alexander and he knows that there’s a real chance that he’ll follow through with the deal just out of selflessness of his heart. But he needs to make Alec understand that losing Alec would be just as devastating to Magnus as their breakup would be to Alec.

“What happened to ‘let me be here with you’,” Magnus asks, throwing Alec’s own words back at him. “Getting used to the life without magic - it hasn’t been and it won’t be easy. But I have you here with me, and it’s helping. I know I don’t always show it, but it is. If I were to give this up, I would have my magic, but I wouldn’t be okay. I would be heartbroken, and I would be all alone. As would you. What we have is unique, and so incredibly important to me. You are important to me.”

“But-” Alec goes to argue but Magnus stops him.

“No buts,” he says. “I understand why you did this, and I appreciate how much you’re willing to sacrifice to give me my magic back. But don’t you ever do something like this again. Losing you - it will never be a solution to any problem we might face. I thought we already learned that.”

“I’m sorry,” Alec says and casts his eyes down again, to their joined hands. He gives Magnus’ hands a comforting squeeze and Magnus smiles a bit.

“You don’t need to apologize,” Magnus says. “Just, when my father comes and asks you about the deal, give him this message from me, will you? He might have my magic, but I’m not allowing him to take anything else from me.”

“Okay,” Alec says and lifts his head so that he can look at Magnus again. It’s Magnus who makes the move and steps closer, bringing his arms around Alec in a tight embrace. Alec doesn’t say anything  but Magnus can read the relief from the way Alec is leaning to him, and from the way his arms wrap around him tightly, and the way his hands bunch up the back of Magnus’ jacket.

“I love you so much,” Alec says, his words muffled by Magnus’ shoulder.

“And I love you,” Magnus says.

It takes a while before either of them is ready to let go, and even after that they only separate for long enough that they are both able to get ready for bed. When washed up and in their sleep clothes, they crawl under the blue covers.

They seek each other in the big bed, only using about half of it as they cuddle together. It is a relief for them both - to feel the other there, their skin pressed together and hearts beating as one.

It is also a victory for Magnus. Because even though the last hour has been nerve wracking and anxiety inducing, it has also shown Magnus - in a weird, twisted way - how much Alec loves him, and how seriously he’s taking Magnus’ current situation. It has also provided him with a small victory over his father. Magnus knows his agenda was to make Magnus suffer a heartbreak strong enough to turn him cold, to make him feel like he’d been foolish by falling in love again.

But now Magnus gets to show him that he’s done playing his father’s games and that he doesn’t have power over Magnus anymore. It’s a small victory, but victory nonetheless.

The biggest victory is this, to be able to fall asleep next to Alec. To know that whatever the life will throw their way, they’ll be taking it on together. While the world is crumbling around Magnus and he’s struggling to rebuild it, he can count on Alec to be there and hold him steady.

**Author's Note:**

> I love hearing your thoughts!
> 
> [You can find me from tumblr too!](https://www.sugarandspace.tumblr.com)


End file.
